Back Where I Come From... and Other Towns that Shouldn't be on a Map of Canada

Below you will find a map my co-ordinator had found from 1963 (or 67), it doesn't matter. What matters is that it was a map of the entire country, minus the territories (they didn't count quite yet) and these are the towns that made the cut. These are literally like legendary places for me, I don't know how many times I heard:

- "You know the so and so boy from Belloy who married that Nampa girl who owns the hair shop in Spirit...",

-"Old man so and so from Codesa always used to say (insert Polish phrase not translated to the children)" or,

- "May 29, 1968, it was a Monday I believe, and me and so-and-so (you know who lived a mile past where Paluskis live now) were on the Watino bridge and we saw a wild boar".

- I can guarantee that stories like the above examples are being shared here. The young one on the end doesn't quite believe them. He is waiting for them to start telling dirty jokes, or trying to casually steal a bottle of vodka from the table. Judging from redness of the faces though, there isn't going to be much vodka in the bottle. Missing from the picture is the uncle that knows exact dates and times of all events, ever...

Ok, but back to my point. These places literally don't exist anymore. Well, they exist in the sense that there are still a couple of people there and maybe a hall. Sometimes there might be a fair or plowing competition. Oh and I have a couple family members that still hang out there, and raise kids there and grow grain and stuff... I just don't know if these 'towns' would make the map of Canada cut anymore...

These aren't the best pictures in the world, perhaps you can hit alt and then the plus button or press alt and then scroll the little wheel on your mouse and zoom in on them. Did you know your computer does that? Does your computer do that? My Mac can do it but it is an easier process - of course.

Or lean in closely, put your glasses in your mouth and move your face really close to the screen (because you are near sighted obviously).

-Maybe I have gone to far - they still make the "google map" cut but I just don't think they will ever get street view.

But more importantly, I have driven to Little Smokey a thousand times. Where the hell is Asplund? Why does Asplund make the cut and not Sweat House? Or New Fish Creek for that matter? Was this map made before Valleyview was founded? THIS IS CRAZY!

-The ficticious land of Asplund did not even make it on to Google maps... Because it isn't REAL.

Now it is Time for "REALLY?!" with Seth and Amy... (Thanks SNL)

Sometimes, when I am feeling a bit pretentious and a tad worldly, I will purchase myself an International Herald Tribune. 3 times out of 5 I will read just the headlines/first paragraph of each article, comics and attempt to do the crossword puzzle. Those other 2 times, I usually find myself on a train with little entertainment and I read the whole paper word for word, cover to cover, excluding the financial business pages (obviously). This last time, I was riding back home from Berlin, twelve hours on the train needing to do anything that passed the time and I literally read the entire paper. Book reviews, financial stocks, etc and well, Low and Behold! Who knew?! They have personal ads. Lucky me! I am single... I am a reader of international news... Fun times!

-I mean this in the funny way... not in the "I would honestly respond to a personal ad in the International Herald Tribune" way

But wait, not only do they have personal ads, they have what could be the most offensive personal ads I have ever seen:

This ol' fart wants a nice lady but first she has to send a pic and phone - returnable of course... Obviously he wasn't willing to spring a few extra bucks to make this ad remotely understandable. But I think it means the lucky lady has to be under 60. A nice, fit, 65 year old is not going to meet his standards. REALLY?! An age limit? REALLY? At 70?! Don't worry ladies - he's tall and there is coastal living and loyalty in it for you... REALLY!?

Ok so with that one I just kind of laughed. International newspaper readering, 'classy' rich, old men, looking for ladies capable of sending their photo and being younger than themselves... Well, that isn't too bad....

FANTASTIC! Czech Women, non-Feminists ranging anywhere from underage (in the Canada) to retired.

REALLY?! REALLY International Herald Tribune? Daily International version of the New York Times?! REALLY?! Don't people respect your ability to put out printed news everyday?! REALLY?!

So, of course, I checked out the website. My oh my, was that ever an experience. As per usual, here is a list of the highlights:

-"If you are unable to travel to Prague, you can still meet your dream czech bride by simply sending for her"

-How convenient for you...

-Younger Wives Help Men Live Longer: "The average age to get married has risen steadily since the 1960s. The study examined deaths between 1990 and 2005..."

-I didn't feel the need to read this study, nor should you...

- There is a whole section comparing Prague women to Russian women... The fact that Prague is a nicer city to visit makes the list...

-There is also a selection of testimonials:

- "I tried to save money by going to Prague myself without using an agency. After being there one week I could not meet anybody legitimate. I went to the Prague office of HAND-In-Hand, signed up for their service and within two days I found the love of my life who is now living with me in the US and we are to be married in the coming months."

-"We are the largest and most successful Marriage and Introduction Agency in Eastern Europe. No one else is even close. Due to our success, some of our Russian and Ukrainian competitors have resorted to using certain search engines and other sites to attack our company. Of course, they never give real names, telephone numbers, e-mail addresses or factual supporting information. Pretty sad actually."

-REALLY?! That is the part you of this scenario you find sad? REALLY?!

-"This program is designed for single men looking for a true life partner who is beautiful, significantly younger, educated, is unspoiled by feminism and whose culture is one of support & respect."

-I don't know which part makes me want to scream REALLY?! more, the"significantly younger" part or the "unspoiled by feminism" part....

Excuse me, I have to vomit now.

Berlin - Round Four.

Once again, long time - no post. Well it isn't really my fault really. You see, procrastinators should never start a blog. Also, people who don't like to keep a journal. I am perhaps the worst combination ever for starting this endevour... Oh well, that being said. Here we go:

A couple of weeks ago I was tootling around Europe for work. First, I went to the UK for the first time EVER (not including a short lay-over in Heathrow in June). So EXCITING! Rachael (my co-worker and tourist extrodinaire) and everyone I saw will tell you how very excited I was to be in London, even Birmingham. It was just like it is in the movies! I have an album up of some of the touristy things Rachael and I went to see.

Highlights include:

-Experiencing the 4th Dimension in the London Eye movie you have to watch before you go... Don't worry, it didn't take us back in time - but it most certainly threw bubbles, foam and water at us.

-Watching Avenue Q. Puppets should not do or say somethings...

-Fish and Chips

-Shopping

-Spending a week on a tiny farm playing Sardines. It was just like summer camp - but with wine and cider and no bed time.

After London, I headed over Berlin for a retreat. We had one free day in the city and I did some of my favorite things. Eat fries with mayo, shop for shoes and go into every single second hand shops I could find and not commit to buying a single thing.

-Though the London Eye video doesn't take you back in time... Stores in Berlin can.

Hello Retro shoes! If I wore these kind of shoes I would totally buy all of you. ALL OF YOU! Especially you, Asymmetrical, army green shoes. ESPECIALLY YOU!

-Watch out... I have found my wedding dress. Yes, it is hooded.

-So cute you little Berlin flower bed!

-A church everyone must see.

But, after my travels it was so good to return home to what was once this:

And it now this:

-Ah, Bliss.

Well Aren't You Sneaky Mr. Clean.

You know what, Mr. Clean... you should try harder when you escape North America... Perhaps a new outfit, wig, taking out the earing?

You are still more trustworthy than Dix. I mean that guy just looks drunk.

Ah good ol' Gold Drop Dix.

Wine Country AKA Death Mountain

I have never, ever, ever, been so hot in my entire life. I have swam in hot springs, I have camped in George, Washington (he he) in a tent in an open field in the desert, I have roasted on beaches in snazzy locales such as Costa Rica, Mexico and Slave Lake, Alberta... But nothing can compare to Tokaj, Hungary. Nothing. Though I have no idea what the temperature people told me it was probably between 35-38 degrees...

Blah!

There was no wind, there was humidity, there was no beach.

That is not festival weather my friends, that is not a situation in which to be camping, carrying a backpack with tent, to be drinking (because it is wine country- people), eating soup (because it is a specialty), tenting, try Fény for the first time (carbonated vodka - the only thing that should be carbonated is water, with syrup, NOT vodka and syrup... BLECH) etc...

Conditions such as theses lead to profuse sweating, making fun of british people and swimming in the dirtiest river I have seen outside the Danube.

In other news, I had a great weekend away, I fell in love with Furmint Fröccs,watching people trip over tent lines and the band Groove Armada. The linked video doesn't do them justice, because there are no unitards worn by a woman with an undercut.

Also, who knew that Hungary would have such great ac/dc and Guns and Roses cover bands: AB CD and Hollywood Rose. So original.

Without further ado here are some images:

-I honestly wonder what we are expected to do on this train?

- For my Dad: A picture of a sunflower field... They also grow corn and what looked like barley or something... It is you, who taught me the art of taking thousands of pictures of fields.

-Small town with oh so many wires.

-And that, my dear, is where babies come from.

-Our leftover bacon...

-Cutest little square in the world! I could have spent hours here complaining about how hot I was... Oh wait...

-More cute square, fountain in which we drank from; shade in which we complained in.

-"Can I sit on those stair and complain"... "Why yes you can Jill, yes you can"

-That is right, you know how to close off the cutest square in the world Tokaj

-All right plant people, show me your skills... WHAT IS THIS!?! More importantly, can I eat it?

-Fröccs... You say wine spritzer, I poorly pronounce Fröccs.

-But all is all right in the world... because this is where you buy the best Fröccs in the world.

My Newer Home.

I moved at the beginning of June to my very own flat [sic]. It has everything a girl could want. Kitchen with en suite bathroom, Stolen road sign, window that opens out onto the street (tres chic or door for mosquito), a tv nightstand, a cat garbage can (I don't like cats but I don't mind putting my garbage in them), a pink wall, a green wall and a turquoise wall.

More importantly it comes with a landlord from heaven (baked goods, delectable cuisine and arts and crafts projects all conveniently located across the hall). I am just a few blocks from the river, an island and an amazing bakery (excellent ice cream and pretty cookies to look at though I have not tried them). OH! and a bike (named Rosa Parks - more pictures of her another time).

I love it and rarely wear pants anymore (the things with legs, British people) which the locals who frequent, what appears to be a snow white themed bar, probably appreciate.

Tour? Sure why not!

-Welcome to my Kitchen... to the left of my washing machine is my bathroom.

-Upgrades will include a mirror... All in good time. Lowering the quality of the blog one picture of a bathroom at a time.

-Exiting my kitchen/entry way you can find my living/bedroom.

-Couch that turns into a bed... glamorous.

-Dining room, Junk table and bed.

-Must hang art soon...

-Yes, my friends, that was a wicked awesome tv night stand.

Budapest was Sinking and I Don’t Think Anyone Should Have Even Considered Swimming.

Flood!

Holy taledo the Danube flooded a couple weeks ago and it was like nothing I have ever seen. One day you are spitting off a bridge and wondering if it had hit the water and the next thing you know your tram line is full of water and the parliamentaerians are going to work in traditional boats. Lies! I know, but they should have because one. that would have been awesome and two. they could have seeing as the stairs conveniently led directly into the water.

I surveyed the situation on a daily basis, draggin' (because in 'Merica they don't use "G"s) my American tourist friend along, leading him to believe that a dirty river was all this city has to offer.

-One of the many bridges in which tour boats couldn't fit under... Not the one I was spitting off of unfortunately.

-Said Parliament Craziness…..

-People! Don't walk in there! Don't you see the water busting through the cracks. DON'T YOU SEE?!?!

-DANGER!

-I watched two boys bike into the water and secretly hoped they would get duck itch.

Shudder!

Not Pictured: The road under water on the other side of the river.

-TREES!

-I get it... there aren't many beaches to offer your kids. But, seriously parents, this was no place for a child.

-I suggest no parking.

Five Months Later...

I have finally won a quiz night. Finally.

A Day in the City without Mishap

I really debated telling this story to anyone at the time that it happened.... I thought to myself, "you never have to admit you did this... it is ok..." But I am running out of material so here we go:

The other day I spent the entire day running around the city. It was freeeeaaaaking hot outside and so humid - I can only imagine how interesting I must have looked on the 1000 degree bus. I was so proud of myself, I didn't get lost once... I went to return a phone, understood that I had to go to a repair shop, went to a repair shop, understood (via a translator) that I in fact would be able to get the phone repaired for free. This combined with the fact that I had found my dentist appointment the day before. "I am a success story. I have conquered the public transit system even without being able to read the signs or understand the bus driver announcements or why they sometimes come out of their booths just to yell at us."

THEN ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. My title to this post was a complete lie. There are various vehicles of transit here: Trams that run on tracks above ground - basically street cars like on the opening credits of Full House. Buses - these are buses. Trolley Buses - red buses that are attached to the electrical lines; and three Metro lines. Oh and the night bus... That part of the story advanced the plot in no way. I just wanted to let you know that on a daily basis, I ride a vehicle like DJ from Full House did.

While riding the tram back and forth all day, I noticed that that it runs to a train station... because the second word is "pályaudvar" - I am such a sleuth. I noted the name of it and thought, "I bet that is the train station I take the metro to, to pick up the girl I tutor from school. Why have I been taking the metro there? I don't like the metro... You have to go down stairs and up stairs and stand on an escalator because no one moves and this weird wind hits you and the metro station is so far away from work, and the tram stop is right in front of work"

I couldn't believe for the last six months I have been taking a round-a-bout way to this school every week. How silly of me! My new "dentist going - phone repairing" self had figured out a better way to get to Buda!

The smart thing to do would have been to double check the train station's name because there are probably 6 in the city...

I rode the tram for twenty minutes going further and further into Buda and got off at a train station in which I have NEVER seen before. FAIL, EPIC FAIL. This kid is 9 years old, and I am now half way across the city. There is never a problem a taxi can't solve though.

Well that is officially the blandest story I have ever told - in the recent past I have also shown up at the wrong bar for a drink with a friend. TWICE. One of which is on the top of a seven story building (I had taken the stairs - and as noted above you know how I feel about stairs).

So to recap: I am a joke and Hungarian words are hard to remember.

Canadians in Budapest

Dearest Blog,

I am so back-logged with information to publicly share. Like this one time I met an Olympic Fencer from Brooks dressed as Axel Rose. Or like this other time, I had a birthday bbq, complete with sangria and beer and meats and salad and salsa and everything. And then there was this other time I had a second birthday meal complete with mexican food (a la Jill) and wine and a 'cake' made by my wonderful temporary flatmate by layer crepes, raspberry creme and cinnamon and sugar over and over again. OH! and that other time I planned a three person stand up comedy bit entitled "This One Time"... I am sure I will update you on all these occasions at another time (but knowing my track record I doubt it).

A couple of weeks ago I had two friends come to Budapest and what tourists we were. We went to all sorts of places, walked every street, went to a museum or two, spa-ed together, and went to every seedy underground bar I could show them. My lungs and liver appreciated the break once they left - showing people around is tough work.

Apperently, they brought summer with them and then took it back to Canada. JERKS - right? I am sorry Budapestians, Budapesters, Budapestinites, whatever you call yourselves, that was my fault... But now that I have appologized for my actions can you please stop with the wind and the rain and the cold?

I am now going to post a bunch of pictures that my lovely guests took of things I see all the time and forget how interesting they are. So, in no particular order whatsoever I present to you random Bp pictures:

-A staircase that i forgot looks TERRIFYING.

-Forest Gump Goes to Budapest.

During this particular photo shoot I was attempting to buy tickets to get into the Parliament. Let me break down this process for you as it is the perfect example for how many things work here:

1) Get the only guard in the parking lot wandering near the sign that says "Ask guard about the tours" to come over to the little fence to talk to you.

2) Ask him for more tour details... He says "Tickets" I respond "Yes" while pointing to our group. His response " One person can go to door number 10" and lets me through the gate.

3) Cross the completely empty parking in front of a crowd of tourists while cursing your grade 8 math teacher for doing a hockey pool instead of teaching you Roman Numerals [I think this is the second time I've cursed him in this blog... You think I would be over this by now but it turns out grade 8 math is the most relevant to real life]. Walk slower until someone with a camera around their neck comes out of door X. Go through that door.

4) Wait in line behind while two separate couples purchase (for free because they are from the EU) tickets for the German tour as the English tour is full. Both of the couples express that they don't speak German but will take what the can get.

5) Arrive at the ticket window (note there are no signs in the office indicating times of the tours or ticket prices) and ask if there are any spots in the English tour. Ticket woman asks "where we are from" and I say "Canada, but one of us has an EU passport (smelly British)".

6)Ticket woman tells you yes there is still room on the English tour (Cheer quietly for Canada - take that EU couples).

7) Tell the ticket woman that you don't have the EU passport with you and if it is going to cost 3500 HUF (WHOA!) you will have to run outside to confirm everything and get the passport...

8) Ticket woman scratches your names off the list and tells you that you might as well just come back tomorrow.

9)Take walk of shame back across the parking lot. Awesome. Good times. Maybe next time I will be more prepared.

-Tiny panoramic picture of two Sears models and half a man in a park.

-Paper car.

-Look at how hot it looks outside... That is because summer here is apparently one week long and then it becomes rainy monsoon freezing season.

-BEAN!

-Terror house... The third time I tried to visit was finally a success as the first two times it was mysteriously closed (or a Monday but we will never know...).

-The National Museum. I ate my first of three birthday dinners here during the 15 minutes last week when it was warm.

-I never thought my old apartment building was this scary looking. Eventually I will show you my new neighbourhood - complete with fountains and benches.

-Prettttyyyy...

After finding this mushroom I have a new found advantage in this city. I am not telling you where the one-up is though.

-A local bar as seen from the second floor.

-Just hanging in a car, in a bar. Rhyming.